Listening to Myself Sing

This week, I have two posts set to publish on Wednesday and Saturday. How exciting–two posts in one week! Both posts are on the same topic, but one is an essay and one is a poem. I hope they both encourage you to take your thoughts captive to Christ and to worship God in a way that honors him. Today’s post is an essay.

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One of the first lessons you learn when you join a choir is to listen to the people around you sing instead of listening to yourself. In fact, I teach my students the very same thing. When I notice one student singing louder than the others, which happens especially with the little ones, I have an earnest conversation with the class about why we sing together in the first place. We sing together to make beautiful music that glorifies God and to build community based on the truths we sing. It’s also fun to sing with other people, almost like a challenge, to get all the words and music notes correct at the same time. The students respond well to this encouragement and they sing much better afterwards. It’s sweet to hear their small voices lifted up to God in praise.

How often, however, do I fail to take my own advice? So many mornings at church, as we’re singing hymns together, I listen to my own voice. Not only do I listen to my own voice, but I evaluate my voice as I sing. Did I reach that high note okay? Did I leave enough breath to hold out that last note? Am I on pitch, or do I need to sing a little quieter until my voice is warmed up? These are all questions I’ve asked myself while I’m supposed to be paying attention to the hymns. Instead of allowing their words to reach into my heart and turn my gaze to Jesus, I’m hyper-focused on myself as a vocalist. This probably comes from all the vocal training I’ve received over the years, but church is not the place to work on my singing skills.

Something similar happens to me when we read Scripture together during our evening service at church. Reading isn’t the same as singing, of course, but they are alike. Both can involve using your voice to express language in a way that is pleasing to the ears of those around you. So, when we read Scripture together during our evening service at church, I also tend to listen to myself. I don’t evaluate myself quite as much as I do when I sing, but I do pay attention to the cadence of my voice and how I’m pronouncing each word instead of to the meaning of the words themselves.

I’m very thankful to have a pastor who talks about discipline in our thought lives just as much as discipline in our actions. This is something I didn’t consider until my experience with postpartum depression and anxiety. During the years leading up to becoming a mom, I had let my thought life run away like a wild horse and I wasn’t even aware that it was happening. I didn’t think about what I was thinking about and how that was affecting my actions. I just did what my thoughts, and subsequently my emotions, dictated. I wasn’t exactly a loose fuse, ready to blow at the slightest provocation, but it was only a matter of time until all of my undisciplined thoughts came crashing down on me at once. Now that I’m more aware of my own thought patterns, I can truly do what 2 Corinthians 10:5 says and take every thought captive to Christ.

A few weeks ago, I really started to buckle down on discipling my thoughts during church, especially as we’re singing hymns and reading Scripture. Something wonderful is happening: I’m singing more in tune with the people around me, which includes some incredibly talented singers, and paying less attention to how I sound at the same time. My voice is blending instead of standing out, and I’m remembering how much I love to hear other people praising God with me. When I listen to the other voices in the congregation read, I don’t worry about tripping over the words or keeping up with everyone else. I naturally do that as I match my voice to their voices.

Psalm 133:1 says, “Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!” This lesson that God’s been teaching me reminds me of this verse. In practical, real-life terms, I desire to be united to my brothers and sisters in Christ–to ‘do life’ with them–and one way I can show that is by singing and reading with them instead of over them. I can take my eyes off of myself and onto Jesus as I look for ways to serve the church family he’s given me to love. Being united to each other in our singing and reading overflows into other areas of life as well. If we’re reading and singing together, God is using the same words to encourage us and draw us closer to him. We automatically have something to talk about when we’re together outside of church. Which hymns do we especially enjoy? How is God convicting us through Scripture? These are good questions to ask each other, and they can open up pathways to good conversations.

I know this idea of listening to, instead of overpowering, the people around me is something I’ll have to continue to work on. I just finished reading the book The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg (for the second time) and have been considering how this really is a habit. New habits like this take self-awareness and time to cultivate. God is gracious and patient, and will provide me with all I need to continue to “fight the good fight of faith.” (1 Timothy 6:12) Meanwhile, with the school year coming, I’ll get ready to talk with my students about the very same things God has been teaching me this summer. What a joy it is to be a teacher.

Photo: Dylan Leaghy on Unsplash