One of My Strangest Anxiety Symptoms

Four years ago, after my daughter was born, I developed postpartum depression and anxiety–PPD/A for short. I had never felt anything like PPD/A before. My heart either raced like a crazy hamster on a wheel or I felt so tired that I could barely perform everyday tasks. I vascillated between the two for a long time, anxiety winning more often than not, until the medicine I had been taking began to help. I stayed on medication, in addition to exercising, changing my diet, and spending extra time with family, for about nine months. I was able to go off of the medication for almost a year and a half, at which point my anxiety came back again. This time around, I stayed on the medication for about six months and went to see a counselor. Again, my family supported me every step of the way.

I’ve been off of medication now for over two years. From time to time, however, anxiety does start to creep back into my life. One of the strangest symptoms I have, which also alerts me to the fact that I’m feeling anxious because I still can’t tell sometimes, is that my concepts of time, permanence, and contentment get all mixed-up. This can happen with litte things, such as where we grocery shop, all the way up to big things, such as how I define myself.

For example, when we moved into our new house, I went on the hunt for the perfect shampoo to replace the shampoo I had been using, which didn’t seem to be working in our hard well water. I wanted to find “my” shampoo–the shampoo that I would use for the rest of my life. I spent hours scouring the internet for the best natural shampoos for our water conditions. I came up with a different shampoo, from the same brand, that I thought would work. That shampoo didn’t work out like I had hoped, so I decided that I needed to talk to an actual person to get advice. I went to see a hair stylist in the area, and she recommended another brand of shampoo, which I tried and liked, for a while. And, guess what? I’m back to using my original shampoo, with some modifications to account for our hard water. I’ve also gone through similar cycles with bread recipes, shoe brands, and even Bible studies.

I’ve gone through the same cycle on a bigger scale with how I define myself. I know the biblical answer to this question. I define myself by the work of Christ in my life. I am his beloved daughter, made perfect through his righteousness, and filled with hope at the prospect of spending eternity with him. When my anxiety strikes, this definition doesn’t seem good enough for me. I lose my focus on heavenly things, and start to worry about earthly things. Am I the super mom? Am I the classical Christian educator? The writer? The musician? Who am I, really? And who will I best for the rest of my life? These questions plague me until I remember my priorities as defined by Scripture. God calls me to be a wife first because I’m married, then a mom to my children, then a member of my family, my church, and my community. He also calls me to steward the good gifts he’s given me, beginning with my own body.

In both instances, the shampoo and my identity, I think what I’m really after is stability. I want to know what to expect for the rest of my life. This attitude also reveals what’s going on in my heart. I’m desiring the permanence now that only eternity with Christ can provide. I’m desiring the contentment from earthly things that only heavenly things can provide. I’m believing that life here on earth can be perfect, if only I can find the perfect products, or the perfect balance of activities, or the perfect organization or brand with which to align myself. So, when things happen in my life that make me feel anxious, I try to control the other aspects of my life that I seemingly can control. I try to provide my own stability, and in the process I end up reducing stability to something I can purchase or define for myself.

I thank God that over the last four years, he’s made this anxiety symptom, and the sin that can accompany it, clear in my life. I now know that when I start searching the internet for the perfect boots, or make lists in my journal of all the activities I’m involved in, or spend those still moments before I fall asleep at night thinking of how I’m going to plan my every move for the rest of my life, I must turn my focus from these wordly things and onto Jesus. Only he can set my priorities aright, and only he can relieve the anxiety mounting in my heart. His timing is perfect. I can trust him fully and unreservedly. This isn’t to say that I can’t set goals for myself or search for products that will work well. This is to say, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all things these will be added to you.” ¹

1. Matthew 6:33 ↩

Photo: Scrabble tiles on my kitchen counter