Building Up and Breaking Down

Anxiety does strange things to your thoughts and emotions. For a while, I lost the ability to distinguish between thoughts that made sense and thoughts that didn’t make sense at all. These thoughts piled on top of each other until I created a wall that seemed impossible to break down.

For example, during the worst of the PPD/A I experienced after Ruthie was born, I believed Ruthie would never sleep like a normal person, and Brian and I would live the rest of our lives as chronically sleep-deprived, cranky parents. I believed that very few people cared about me or my family, despite the fact that many people brought us meals, helped with Samuel, and prayed for us. I believed controlling everything, from how we arranged our house to our daily schedule, would decrease my anxiety and help me relax. Of course, nothing ever felt perfect enough for either of those things to happen.

I added more and more emotions to these thoughts as they built off of one another. I felt scared and sad when I thought about how the children would thrive under tired parents. Could they even grow up well under such trying circumstances? I felt angry that nobody seemed to take care of me and my family the way we deserved to be taken care of. Didn’t anybody see our suffering? How could they not know? I felt resentful about my environment and time. No matter what I did, nothing I planned or arranged ever seemed to turn out the way I wanted it to. I pushed myself until I felt frustrated at almost everyone and everything around me.

Anxiety does strange things to your thoughts and emotions, but you must not let those thoughts and emotions control you. The wall I built using those anxious thoughts and emotions began to break down when I realized that all this anxiety about the future and the people and places around me showed my utter lack of trust in the Lord. Rather than rejoicing in all the ways God provided for me and my family during the worst of the PPD/A I experienced, all I saw were the ways I believed he failed to provide.

If we truly believe God is sovereign and loving, trials like sleep deprivation and chaotic households turn into opportunities to look for how God will bless us as we faithfully serve him in all situations and bring glory to his name. This doesn’t mean we ignore things that might bring us sorrow or scare us, fail to act when we need to, or bury our emotions until they ignite and explode. Instead, we acknowledge our anxious thoughts and emotions, compare them to what Scripture says, concentrate on God’s promises, and trust that we are in the exact circumstances in which God planned for us to be.

The hymn “Be Still, My Soul” comes to my mind when I think about God’s sovereignty and love. Below is the first verse of the hymn along with some biblical references.

“Be still, my soul: the Lord is on your side;

The Lord will fight for you.

Exodus 14:14a

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

Matthew 16:24

Leave to your God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.

The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.”

Exodus 34:6

Be still, my soul: your best, your heav’nly Friend,
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.”

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.”

John 14:1-3