The Auditionee: God’s Providence and The Secret Garden

The night came.

I pinned back my modern, flatiron straightened bangs, pulled on a long, black skirt, and donned the most modest floral shirt I owned. I hoped the ensemble would make me look like a fashionable woman of the early-1900s. I belted out show tunes as I swept the kitchen floors after dinner and sang scales in my car on the way into town. I felt as ready for my first theater audition in fifteen years as a thirty-something-year-old momma of young children could.

***

I’ve dreamt of being in a musical for my entire life. Growing up, my mom and I spent hours watching The King and I, The Sound of Music, and Singin’ in the Rain. I begged my dad to sing “’Til There Was You” from The Music Man to me before I went to bed. He liked to tell the story of how he played Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof despite being a tall, skinny athlete who played on the basketball team. I sang, danced, and acted in front of mirrors and around the house, but never in front of crowds of people. The music teacher at my elementary school told me I sang beautifully, but not loud enough.

I became more comfortable on a stage as I got older. I was part of every church play until I reached the age cut-off, and even auditioned for a couple productions at the local center for the arts. Middle school brought the usual abundant awkwardness, and my stage fright became so severe I couldn’t even play piano at my recitals without my hands shaking and sweating. High school, however, meant feeling comfortable in my own skin again. I started singing and playing keyboard for our youth group at church, participated in solo ensemble, and sang a few solos through choir at school. All this feeling comfortable on stage again culminated in me auditioning for Into the Woods my senior year of high school. Unfortunately, the cast list was too small and I didn’t have the experience they were looking for.

I didn’t even try to audition for any theater productions in college, although I did attend quite a few. Earning a Bachelors degree in science and education keeps you busy with teaching placements, science labs, early-morning math classes, and essay writing. And I got married before I graduated. I kept singing and playing piano at open mic nights around campus and on the worship team with Intervarsity. Those ideas about singing, acting, and dancing in a musical on a brilliantly lit stage with an attentive audition watching and listening kept floating around my mind and gently tugging at my thoughts. Someday, I decided, when life settles down a little bit.

***

Let’s fast forward here, to the night from before, to my first theater audition in fifteen years, when my dream of years ago might finally sprout into full-fledged reality. I found out about the audition from a close friend of mine, who also planned to audition, who used to be on staff with the theater, and who knew about my lifelong dream to be in a musical. I picked her up on my way into town so we could feel nervous together (and because I had never been to this particular theater before). I was about to do something I hadn’t done in a long time in a place I had never visited. Praise the Lord for giving me a friend to support me along the way.

As we approached the theater, I felt calm and collected. That abruptly ended as soon as we walked into the building. I laughed nervously as I talked with the volunteers taking photos and handing out applications. I sought my friend’s advice about what to write under previous acting experience. We decided on the somewhat disconcerting phrase “not since I was twelve” (the age cut-off for my church plays) with a smiley face at the end. Truth and humor. One of the volunteers informed us the auditions would start late, so my friend showed me around the building. Excitement and anticipation mingled together around us in an overwhelming cloud of soft voices as we waited to sing for the production staff.

Do you know that feeling of believing that everyone around you knows what’s going on, but you have absolutely no idea? That’s how I felt as we walked into the small black-floored and black-curtained room where I would audition for a group of unfamiliar faces sitting seriously behind a white foldout table with papers, pads, and pens laid out in front of them. One of the production staff handed out music to each auditionee based on vocal range. Desiring the complete auditioning experience, I took music for both vocal ranges (mezzo soprano and soprano). I can’t recall a time my voice felt so tired!

We practiced together as a group, and then sang for the production staff individually. I watched and listened to each person auditioning before my turn. I noticed how some of them used facial expressions to make the music more meaningful, while some buried their faces in the music and didn’t make eye contact with anyone. The broad array of talent surprised me as I expected to audition with a group of people more experienced and better trained than me. I loved being around other singers and listening to the variation in vocal quality of each one. The production staff thanked each person for auditioning, and those of us waiting welcomed each auditionee back with smiles and nods.

The director called my name, and my moment to audition swiftly arrived. As a teacher, you learn to disguise your nervousness and instead exude confidence. I used the same technique as I walked toward the ‘X’ marked on the floor. I squared my shoulders and grinned at the judges. I made eye contact. I took a deep breath and asked God to keep me calm. I imagined I was at home daydreaming while washing the dishes and belting out my favorite songs for an invisible audience. I didn’t focus on the serious faces of the production staff. I didn’t focus on how ominous the black curtains looked. I thought about how I’ve wanted to do this since I was a little girl watching musicals with her mom. I thought about how much fun my dad and I would have talking about being part of theater productions. I knew God gave me the voice to do this, and I sang out as loudly, clearly, and confidently as I could. As I sang, my childhood dream began to take root in reality.

What an amazing moment. I held out the last note of the song for the full count and even had enough breath reserves to increase the volume at the end. Waves of relief washed over me as I walked back to the other auditionees waiting in a line beside the white foldout table. Smiles and nods passed between a few of us as the stage manager called the next name.

The night came, and just as quickly the night ended. My first audition as a thirty-something-year-old momma of young children was over in a flash.

Would you like to know how the story ends?

I didn’t get cast in the musical, although I think anyone would feel proud to audition the way I did. I had fun, learned about myself, and actually enjoyed doing something intimidating I hadn’t done in years. God showed his faithfulness to me as he gave me a friend to help and a calm spirit to sing out boldly. Someday, when life settles down a little bit, I’ll audition again, but this time I’ll be even more ready and even more experienced. Those brilliant stage lights still call my name, and someday I’ll answer again.

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This article was originally published on May 22, 2020 by One Way Theatre. OWT provides home-educated students with opportunities to participate in high-quality and God-honoring plays and musicals. You can find more information about OWT on Facebook and Instagram @theatreforhim.