The Most Helpful Question to Ask a Suffering Friend

“What can I do to help?”

When I suddenly started having panic attacks along with anxiety and depression a few years ago, a very close friend of mine asked me this simple question. I won’t soon forget that moment because her asking me this question turned around my outlook on friendship within the church and how to help someone suffering through anxiety and depression (or anything else). I like this question because of all the noble and loving things it implies. It also reminds me of Jesus’ compassion for us.

A Noble and Loving Question

What makes this question such a noble and loving question?

First, it implies that my friend saw my exhausted estate and wanted to bear my burden with me. She took an interest in my life and placed herself in a position to help me. What a lovely blessing for someone suffering through anxiety and depression: to know that she is not alone and forgotten, but that someone sees her and remembers her and cares about her.

Second, it implies that my friend wanted to do something to help me. She didn’t ask in a passive way–“Do you need anything?” Instead she put herself on guard and awaited orders, so to speak. She took the initiative to find out how she could encourage her friend who felt lost–she didn’t wait for her lost friend to somehow find her own way forward.

Third, it implies that my friend felt willing to do whatever I needed. If I needed a shoulder on which to cry, she would bring the tissues. If take-out food sounded delicious, she would ask which restaurant and when and if I’d like some coffee, too. If I wanted nothing else more than to sit on the couch under a blanket and watch a funny show, she would come over and laugh along with me. By asking this question she showed her willingness to “mourn with those who mourn” [1]–to come alongside me in friendship instead of standing far off on the sidelines.

Let Me Know If You Need Anything?

“What can I do to help?” nobly bests the phrase “let me know if you need anything.” In my experience, people always mean well when they say this. However, “let me know if you need anything” just doesn’t contain the determination that “what can I do to help?” contains.

The person who says “let me know if you need anything” unknowingly puts all of the responsibility of getting help on the person already struggling for relief. A helpful friend knows how to blaze a trail into the unknown for her sister in Christ who dares not take another step.

Sometimes “let me know if you need anything” comes across as a casual offer instead of a serious overture of friendship. A helpful friend jumps in with both feet without hesitation. Her shoes might get dirty, but she doesn’t mind–as long as she does what she can to help her friend feel loved.

Jesus Sets the Example

Finally, this noble and loving question reminds me of our Savior who came down from heaven and entered into a very lowly estate to save a world who didn’t exactly wholeheartedly welcome him. He came, perfectly determined, to save his people. Some of them didn’t recognize him, some of them denied him, and some of them nailed him to a tree. He came fully knowing everything that would happen to him and he came anyways. He didn’t wait for an invitation from us—he knew what we needed and he came to fulfill that need. He did the will of his Heavenly Father. We can follow this example in our friendships by taking the initiative all onto ourselves and determinedly caring for one another regardless of any challenges that lie in our path.

The next time you see a friend bowing low beneath the strain of anxiety and depression, or suffering through adverse life circumstances, and you feel determined to help, ask her that noble and loving question: “What can I do to help?” This question coming from a sister in Christ made an enormous difference–from feeling alone to feeling loved–in my life, and I hope you can use this question to make that difference in someone else’s life, too!

[1] Romans 12:15